Waiting for the Drop

Thoughts on the Morning: Exhausted and Numbed to the Daily Deluge of Trump

One thing the military forced upon me was how to wait. How to sit for hours on end without word of what was happening, or what we might be doing. Gotta make sure to show up early, because it’s important after all.

But then…

Wait.

Wait for word to drop.
Wait for word to be passed.
Wait so you can wait some more.

Just.
Wait.

You’ll see.

And that’s what I’m trying to do right now. I’m waiting for the drop. The other shoe, actual word, something, anything other than the gossip mongers watching the dipshit leaders doing stupidshit fuckery while the people who are supposed to check it look at everyone else as if it’s not their job. Or they’re cashing in on doing nothing.

Honestly I’m sick of the minutiae of studying the sludge. As if there’s any other meaning to divine from this besides “Shit’s broke.” Ain’t no tea leaves, scattered bones, or signs from the Almighty beyond that.

It’s just trying to keep busy while we wait.

Because that’s really what we’re all doing right now.

Waiting.

And before you “Tut-tut my good sir!” me, yes I know there are people out there doing good work and trying to make a difference. A lot of us are doing what we can when we can.

But we’re all waiting for this shit to mercifully, finally, at long last fucking end.

My life moves in predictable patterns right now. I wake up. I get on with my day, wade through the banal as I try not to think about the crushing dread of what’s happening in the world especially since it’s impacting us all.

It hasn’t been some far away thing in a long time, and while social media has illuminated the darker corners of the human existence in 4KHD, we’re all still relegated to the forward facing view of our own flawed consciousness.

And more and more these days I find myself simply waiting for the bottom to drop, for the finale to finally be here, the bullshit meeting to wrap so we can all begin the cleanup in disgruntled earnest.

I know it’s selfish of me to want the farce to finally be over. To not catalogue every single instance of the shitshow in painstaking detail. To comment on the spectacle of the absurd and abhorred every hour on the hour.

The decade long Devil’s dance has grown wearisome more than it’s worrisome. I’ve been desensitized to the dumbshit, but my tolerance has reached its limit.

This honestly is the hardest part. I haven’t had any tolerance for this shit for a long while now. Even with all the study, the analysis, the $40 words to describe the torrent of terrible we’re all subjected to day after day after week, after month, after year I still can’t fathom why we’re all simply just waiting.

As if we’ve all collectively agreed that has it to get so much more awful before we rise up and do something heroic. That maybe the broken down system will work this one last time, even though it has never done it before what we need it to do right now.

There’s the people who think the mid-terms will be some sort of reckoning. That Establishment Democrats will suddenly grow a spine, and the tribunals will begin. I mean voting, sure, why not? Maybe this time it’ll do something substantial.

Or there’s the folks who engage in magical thinking on the opposite end of the spectrum that MAGA will finally, at long last see the light, embrace representative democracy and help throw off the shackles of their oppressors.

I mean sure… Why not? There might be a few that will genuinely change for the better. There’s always the exceptions.

I can’t say which is the greater delusion nor can I blame people who cling to them. Gotta cling to something while we’re all sitting here… Waiting…

And maybe that’s my delusion? Wanting this to end as if it actually will at some point. I mean it has to right? Or maybe it’ll just take a break for awhile.

I feel like Chris from the opening of the movie Platoon. “They say ‘Hell is the Impossibility of Reason’. That’s what this place (Vietnam) feels like, Grandma. Hell.”

To paraphrase Union General William T. Sherman “War is all hell and there’s no refining it.”

That’s what this feels like. Waiting for the war to truly kick off in earnest, for the battle to finally be joined. Not for the chance at violence or the carnage. So the waiting can be done. So we can get to the other side of it, and be finished with it.

And while there are signs of hope, little flickers of a flame bleeding through the seemingly impenetrable darkness I don't know if they’re getting closer, flickering out, or if it’s just a trick of my restless mind.

The Zen Master says the secret to life is to “Chop wood, and carry water”. Maybe that’s what I need to do while I wait. Seems like it’s just as good as anything else right now.

I know this will end as all things do.

I’m just sick of waiting on it to get here.